Up All Night [29/31].

That was us last night. Sterling is dealing with some cold-related congestion (again), so we camped out on the couch, waking every hour or so. It was brutal, but I didn't get too frustrated. When my kids aren't feeling well, I can somehow adopt this Florence Nightingale persona I didn't know I was capable of.

The worst part was once Sterling was able to get comfortable & fall back asleep, I couldn't do the same.

I think I am losing my ability to fall asleep. 

Naps are easier, but I had the opportunity to take one today and just...couldn't. My mind doesn't want to sleep. It is too busy thinking about how fast these days are going by and how little I am getting done in them.

Part of this lack of productivity can be attributed to my childrens' ages. They're babies. They require a lot of attention, maybe even more than the average. And it is my great pleasure, as hard as it is, to give them all the attention I think they deserve.

The other part is that I have an infant that does not want to be put down. He fusses if somebody is not holding him and I can only handle the fussing for so long before I'm pacing around with him in my arms again. I cracked open this book today that a friend lent me in hopes to find some insight on our situation, but no luck thus far.

We know it isn't anything wrong with him and we know this stage won't last forever, but it's really easy to forget that when you're in the trenches.

I don't want to sound like I'm complaining too much because there are MANY sweet moments punctuating the craziness. A smile from Sterling or a hug from Ruby can so easily bring my heart back to a jovial place. But if I'm going to be honest about what being a beginner SAHM entails, then this is just part of it.

In the vein of this slightly subdued post, I read something on Shauna Niequist's blog today that really resonated with me. About the word SHOULD in relation to the way you think things SHOULD be. From Shauna's post:

We all have these weird rules about what we should love and what should make us happy and how things should work.  Should is a warning sign, frankly. When you’re using the word should more and more often, it’s a sign that you’re living further and further from your truest, best self, a sign that you’re living for some other set of parameters or affirmations that you think will bring you happiness.

Yep.

I was hoping by the end of this 31 Days challenge, I would have nailed something down or solidified some habit. In reality, it has only exposed how so very far away I am from having it all together. And that's ok. Otherwise, there wouldn't be any room for grace or need of a Savior.

The kids are now asleep and I'm sitting amongst piles of folded laundry that will just have to wait until tomorrow to be tucked in their drawers. Instead, I'm going to take shot at getting some much needed sleep and praying I get more of it tonight. Amen.

P.S. I have yet to read one of Shauna Niequist's books. I hear they're all amazing. Where should I start?